The Biggest Story of the Year! (So far...)

So there I was, sitting in an airplane on the tarmac, 2010 just seconds away. Around me, I see couples puckering up, ready to ring in the New Year with a kiss for luck. Everyone, it seemed, had someone to share the special moment with.

Ten.... Nine.... Eight....

Well, I wanted to kick off the New Year with some class myself. Alas, I had no woman of my own with which to lock the lips.

Seven.... Six.... Five....

I being to flap my arms wildly, scanning up and down the aisle, not a single lady in sight. I fear the whole plane would have thought me a nutcase if they weren’t too busy gazing lovingly into their partners’ eyes.

Four.... Three.... Two....

There! A lady -- a single lady!!! I’m in a fever pitch now. My “fight or flight” instincts kick in. I jump out of my seat, lips extended, ready for the kill.

One....

I sweep her up in my arms. We are the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. I look her dead in the eye and plant one on her supple, pouting lips (too graphic? I’m sorry.).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

My head is buzzing like a corn field in July. Everything’s spinning. I still hold the kiss, imagining, for a moment, the entire aircraft applauding my accomplishment and breaking into a rousing chorus of “Auld Lang Syne”.

Unfortunately, this is the world that exists only in my head.

The woman I’m kissing tears away and slaps me hard, cold, harsh reality comes rushing back. As I rub my wound, I get my first, good look at the woman, and I make a startling discovery: I’ve just kissed the pilot. ( A female airline pilot? What are the odds?)

Within moments, I’m escorted off the plane. It’s a disaster, and it’s a blur. It’s all happening too fast to simply explain the mixup. Down the skyway and into the terminal, I’m thrust to the ground. No luggage. No tickets. No way home.

Well, what was I to do? I had to find some way home, so I wandered the terminal and found myself a flight to Toronto that had a few seats available. Seeing as how I didn’t have a passport and was now considered a “security risk”, I had no trouble at all in boarding the flight. I was even upgraded to First Class.

Twelve free glasses of champagne later, and I was home, safe and sound in Grand Rapids.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before the story hit the major news outlets.
Upon hearing the news, Dick Cheney once again criticized the Obama administration’s poor response in dealing with the “threat”, then promptly shot his best friend in the face, adding, “See that? THAT’S how you do homeland security.”



Too soon?


[You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed]